The Man Who Excelled At Everything, Including Killing His Family
The breezy obituary of a man who murdered his family reveals a common reaction to domestic violence.
In his obituary, Michael Haight is described as a man who excelled at everything he did. As a kid, he played sports and was a Boy Scout, earning the rank of Eagle Scout. As a teen, he traveled to Brazil as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, before studying business at Southern Utah University. Later, he started a successful insurance agency and got married. At the time of his death, at 42, he had five children — three girls and two boys — aged between 4 and 17 years old. “Michael lived a life of service," the obit reads. “Whether it was serving in the church for in the community, he was willing to help with whatever was needed."
There’s a full paragraph detailing how much Michael, who died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, loved spending time with his kids. He coached their sports teams and took them sledding and attended school concerts, making sure to “spend quality time with each and every one of his children.” He even sold his business shortly before his death, according to the tribute, so he could spend more time with his family.
What the obituary does not mention is that before Michael died, he murdered his five children, along with his wife and his wife’s mother. This upstanding man of service — this man who excelled at everything he did — he was responsible for taking the lives of seven people, not including his own. The only hint of this horrific tragedy is found in the section where Michael’s surviving family members are listed, and none of his immediate family member’s names appear.
His violence is excised from his legacy. As is the truth.
When I read his obituary, I was sickened, but not entirely surprised. Many years ago, I was working on a story about murder-suicides, which are almost always committed by men, often against their intimate partners. During my reporting, I came across an obituary about one such couple, a husband who murdered his wife before turning the gun on himself. I was shocked to learn that the family planned to bury them together. It was as if that final act of violence didn’t matter. I remember wondering how the couple’s family justified that decision to themselves. How practiced in denial they must have been.
I won’t assume I know why Michael’s family published an obituary that praises him without grappling with how his life ended and who he took with him. I don’t know what their motivation is or how they are processing this gutting tragedy. But I do know that domestic violence is a great teacher of willful blindness. Of turning away. Of pretending that what is happening is not actually happening. Domestic violence trains people to ignore what is right in front of them. Because the alternative — acknowledging that a person you love is abusive — requires a lot.
It requires you to alter your perception of the person. You might have to scrap a version of them you’re attached to, and create a new, more complicated version. And maybe that upends your beliefs about your relationship with them, and with that, your own self-identity. This kind of work — it’s hard and painful. And lots of people don’t do it. Instead, they deny and deflect, and over time, they get really good at it. Friends and family members do this, and victims do this too. Chalk the abuse up to a lack of sleep or work stress or substance abuse or a one-time slip up. Which makes it so slippery, so hard to get a handle on. I can’t count the number of victims who have told me they didn’t recognize what they were experiencing as abuse until years after they left the relationship. It took a separation to finally see clearly.
There are other salient facts missing from the obit. Like the fact that Michael’s wife Tausha had filed for divorce a few weeks earlier. Or that police had investigated the family a few years earlier (no further details have been released). Or that Michael took all the guns out of the house before the killings. Tausha missed an appointment on Jan. 4, which caused police to visit her house for a welfare check, which is when they discovered the bodies. I don’t know what type of appointment she missed, but I would not be surprised if it was something to do with her looming divorce. Maybe it was with her attorney. Or a counselor. The truth is, the majority of mass shootings in the U.S. — they look like what happened to Tausha. They’re not random, a gunman firing indiscriminately into a crowd. They involve a man killing his partner or other family members.
Which is why it is so frustrating to read Michael’s obituary and discover that it does not acknowledge, even obliquely, his responsibility in ending the lives of seven other people. This fact is erased. Instead, he is lauded for his “leadership skills, values of honest hard work and determination.” The blindness continues, even after his death.
Hey readers, I know it’s been a longgggg time since I’ve written a post and I apologize. I’m working hard on season two of What Happened To — stay tuned for more updates soon.
xxx
Melissa
Domestic violence is never, ever discussed in LDS households. Just not done.